Ethel’s Platform

It’s Fun Friday!

Our friend Ethel (refer to last Friday’s post) has made it to the top 25 in the Perfect Pet Contest sponsored by a local radio station, Positive Hits PER 90.5 and 89.9.

But many of you may be wondering where Ethel stands on the important issues.  It is our honor to present to you, Ethel’s latest press conference as told by her mother.

1. Though Ethel is a dog will she reach across the aisle to work with cats? 

I must say that this is a very valid and crucial question.  Ethel, prior to her gaining canine and political wisdom ,used to hunt cats down to injure them.  Any time she was confronted regarding her behavior and maltreatment of felines, she always ended her speech with the caveat, “But I am a Beagle!  What do you expect?”  However, in the past 5 years, she has learned that in order to capture everybody’s attention and to speak to both the dog and cat lovers out there, she must become less of a fighter and more of a lover.  Ethel now openly welcomes the presence of any animal in her company and she is even willing to spend time with the “little people” (aka rodents)  If you ask me, I personally think that in Ethel’s old age, she just cannot discern which animals are which and she assumes they are all canines.


 

2. What is her stance on assisting homeless animals? 

Ethel would like everybody to know that prior to her mother rescuing her, she was a homeless Beagle on the streets of Monmouth County, NJ.  Due to the time spent in the “wilderness”, Ethel is petrified by both the dark and thunder storms.  She is sometimes inconsolable when there is a thunder storm and I have night lights on through the hallway to keep her from getting upset.  Due to her hardships and time spent in the ghetto, she understands the pain and loneliness associated with roaming the streets.  She is a strong advocate of free or affordable spay/neuter programs as well as limiting breeding only to reputable breeders.  She would like to see more people adopting from animal shelters than purchasing pets from breeders or pet stores and she would like for there to be more “crazy dog people” out there.  She has coined the phrase, crazy dog people, equating it to the proverbial crazy cat lady.  Seeking, of course, equality for canines and felines alike.


 

3. Does she support owners picking up after their pets in public areas? 

Ethel has expressed a great deal of concern when her little old lady arthritic legs are wobbly and she collapses into the fecal material of another animal.  Ethel is pro-picking up after one’s pet in public areas, in fact she believes it should be at least a misdemeanor if one does not pick up after one’s pet, and she has added that a hefty fine must be associated with the crime in order to “drive the idea home.”


 

4. Has she considered addressing the bovine sector concerning their part in global warming

Ethel, like Al Gore (and definitely more attractive), has found herself worrying a great deal about the Earth’s environment.  She has remarked that bovine flatulence is a severe problem, and she has suggested that the DoD start practicing anal cattle probing, like the proverbial alien (not the guys at the local 7-11’s, but the little green men.)  She added that more hamburgers should be consumed if the DoD cannot obtain the proper funding from Congress.


 

5. What is her stance about all dogs going to heaven? 

Ethel believes that there are animals in heaven, however she does not believe that she will be there.  She has noted that she is both lacking in intelligence, and the ability to make rational decisions based on cognitive abilities.  She loves the concept of heaven and if she were able to be a Christian dog, she has commented that she would be.  She likes the Christian radio station, and often times enjoys listening to Casting Crowns while mommy is at work.  She cannot read due to the canine illiteracy issue plaguing America, but she loves when I read the Bible to her in Spanish.  She also knows that there are many dogs out there who do not have any Christian-like characteristics and they seem to show no care or concern about other living creatures, which has helped affirm her stance that not all dogs go to heaven.  In fact, she’s pretty sure that despite her wonderful disposition and remarkable temperament, when she’s gone, she’s gone.

She added that there is another concern, which is the front issue and primary focal point of her platform: rubbernecking on I-95 and the Beltway.  Ethel plans to make rubbernecking a felony and to pursue maximum fines and prison sentences for anybody engaging in this outrageous and obnoxious activity.  She noted that it is detrimental to the common good and people to need to seek the acquisition of a new set of values: vehicular integrity.

Ethel welcomes any more questions you have regarding her campaign and she asks that you consider her to be the Perfect Pet and cast your vote for her at www.positivehits.org.  She also says, “My mother is a genius, but I have to wonder…is there a fine line between genius and insanity?  I think so.”
 

Monday, April 14th, we will find out if Ethel has made it to the top 10!


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